Yesterday I did my first run through a rain storm.
I was sad….
But it had to get done.
Now for the rest of this post I have a disclaimer –
1) If you are uncomfortable with poop talk, close the browser now
2) If you are a man who chooses to believe women do not poop, first let me tell you: we do. Now you may close the browser.
SO….runner’s trots. You’ve heard of them, right? (Cliffs notes: needing to poop LIKE OMG RIGHT NOW OR I’M GOING TO DIE during your run)
Well, it happens to me more than it should to any human being, but last night was THE. WORST. EVER.
Things started happening around mile 4 and I did whatever I could think of to fight it off…..
I started running straight through the puddles because getting my feet wet distracted me from what was happening digestively for a solid 4 seconds
I talked to myself out loud:
“you can do this.”
“fight it off”
“cleeeeench it together”
“whyyyyyyy god whyyyyy”
I wagered with my bowels:
“If I make it home poop-in-my-pants-free I promise to never each siracha hot sauce again”
“I own you. I decide when this is going to happen.”
“I love you?? Be nice to me??”
I even tried to look at it in a positive light by feeling more confident in my safety …….if anyone tried to kidnap me I would simply warn them that there is a 110% chance I would poop on them. And then I would proceed to do so.
But then I finally had to give up trying to complete my run — I
walked waddled home for the last .3 miles, tried to chat up the cute guy in the elevator without letting him know I was suffering from a demon inside of me, thankfully made it to the bathroom after the hardest 25 minutes ever and continued to stay in the fetal position for the rest of the night.
I should probably end this story with some sort of a lesson I learned or maybe even some advice, but I have none of that.
Except for the fact that if you suffer from runner’s trots as well, know you’re not alone. I survived this and you will, too.
My friend Kayleigh asked to be my ‘daily question’ generator — here are a few of my favorites:
Do you text your friends about your poop troubles?
Which side of the sidewalk do you run on?
What color is your water bottle?